James Yuill ”Crying for Hollywood”
Movement in a Storm, 2010 • Download

Back in the day, when I used to write my own punk fanzine, I became known for asking a staple question: “When was the last time you cried, and why?”

It was the kind of question that most artists could have laughed at. They could have just said, “I don’t feel comfortable telling you that.” But that never really happened. Every time I asked the question, I got an answer, and that was the only reason I asked. I didn’t care if it happened when they were watching The Breakfast Club or after a fight with a loved one; I just wanted them to admit that they cried at all. It was, to some extent, my own little way of tearing down some of the insanely exaggerated constructs of masculinity that existed in the punk and hardcore communities, and I was amazed that so many men were willing to participate in such a project — whether they knew it or not.

But more than that, it was also the only way I could create a safe space to acknowledge the fact that I was the one who was hurting. I was rejected by my family, subjected to the closet, never fully recovered from my best friend’s death; It was all I could do but to come home from the hardcore show and weep. It wasn’t until years later that I could finally understand that the people I chose to interview were, more or less, just speaking on my behalf.

I was looking at my book this morning, an anthology of these conversations, skimming through some of it, and thinking about what a sad person I used to be. I was listening to this song.

In the interest of fairness, sixteen years later, that was the last time I cried, and why.

Photo: Sam Taylor-Wood