I was checking my Facebook e-mail this afternoon when a chat window opened up from an old friend that I hadn’t spoken to in some time. The following is an actual transcript of our chat, punctuationally cleaned up for readability, and injected with editorial wherever necessary.

Mark: Hey.

Norman: Oh snap. What’s up?

Mark: Actually, am in a mess right now.

Norman: How come?

Mark: I came to the UK this morning to visit someone. Unfortunately, I took the wrong cab, the driver was a robber at the airport. He robbed me of all my belongings. I’m in Heathrow now and need to buy a ticket back.

Norman: Holy shit. I have no idea what to say to that. That’s insane! Do you have your passport?

Mark: No.

Norman: Do you need help from a local in any way?

Mark: I will need you to send me at least 800 pounds through Western Union so I can buy a ticket back quick.

Norman: (This is where I start getting suspicious.) Why me?

Mark: I dont have a phone or anything, just internet here, and you are the only available person am talking to. I’m going to return it when I get back.

Norman: How about Jim and Darren? (There is no Jim and Darren.)

Mark: Couldn’t get hold of them too.

Norman: Damn. Can my wife send it? (I learned something from watching To Catch A Predator’s Nigerian scam special!)

Mark: Yes.

Norman: How?

Mark: If she has a credit card available, visit westernunion.com and make money transfer online. Use my name and last name as the receive and use the Heathrow Airport as my address cause that’s where I am now.

Norman: I could get my friend in London to meet you?

Mark: Sure, but am depressed right now and need to buy a ticket back home immediately.

Norman: How will you get back without a passport though? They’re brutal about that there.

Mark: I reported it immediately and they said I only need a transit paper.

Norman: OK, then one last thing.

Mark: What.

Norman: I’m gay and I dont have a wife and the real Mark would know that. So stop hacking his account, OK?